Recalibrate your happiness

“I just want to be happy”. Something I hear on an almost daily basis, in my personal and professional roles. It’s also something everybody wants for their children – and with good reason. Why would we not? Being happy has become the holy grail of wellness, a sign of excellent mental health, and the panacea to all of life’s ills. It’s also a message we constantly see everywhere: movies, TV, framed wall art, clothing, social media, and just our culture in general. Think: Don’t worry, be happy; Good vibes only; Happy happy happy, etc etc.

But what if that was setting us up for failure? What if our ideas about how we “should” feel on a daily basis was so unobtainable that literally every single day we failed to meet that target, so then we jump to assuming that there’s something wrong with us? It’s more common than you might think.

Generally, the yardstick of feeling joyful, and having an endlessly exciting and completely fulfilling life, is a common one. This is partly due to seeing friends and acquaintances on social media showcasing their life highlights which gives us the impression that everyone else leads an exciting life, while you are stuck at home in an unfulfilled life. It’s easy to forget that whatever you are seeing is probably a highly staged, minor part of their lives – the posts are never of them making a cheese toastie, or arguing with their children, or cleaning out the cutlery drawer, are they?

The truth is that as humans, we possess about 84 different emotions. We can’t just feel happiness 24/7. It is normal to feel sorrow, grief, guilt, worry or resentment – these are a part of the human experience and are a normal part of being alive. They also have important message for us about what we may need to change in our life situation that isn’t serving us.

Rather than constantly aiming high for continual happiness, can you connect with what makes you feel contentment? What about satisfaction or fulfilment? Of course, happiness and joy will show up too, but they are such a small part of our lives that constantly chasing them can be a little like getting into a tug of war with a monster. Drop the struggle. Only when you do this, will it free up the capacity and ability to let you connect with what matters to you.

I realise this might sounds like bad news for some. Like a bubble bursting. You may think back to times as a teen or child when it seemed like you felt this elusive happiness all the time, so why wouldn’t you want to get back there? The thing is that we tend to have selective memories and romanticise the past – otherwise known as “euphoric recall”. The truth is that while we do have good memories of those times, there were also really awkward, difficult moments when we were young that our minds conveniently buffer out. We felt difficult emotions then too.

Resetting your expectations around how much we should be feeling pure happiness will, believe it or not, free you up to focus on the things that will ultimately lead to contentment and fulfilment, and it’s totally worth the trade-off.

Kathryn Wright is a  registered counsellor specialising in rural mental health.

www.kathrynwright.co.nz