The meat in the sandwich

There are various stages at every part of life that throw different experiences at us. Some are exhilarating, and some are exhausting - building a career, having young children, financial difficulties, break-ups and make ups. But few are as all-consuming and challenging as having dependent or semi-dependent children, while also caring for ageing parents. This stage and age is known as the Sandwich Generation.

This stage also extends into territory where you may not have either children or elderly parents physically living with you, but you are emotionally responsible for their affairs, be it financial, medical, moral, or anything else that requires your time and energy. And for rural people, this can become a whole lot trickier when the various lenses of rurality are added - succession, isolation, lack of social services and support, and much more.

I speak to this article from experience, as I have been the “meat in the sandwich” for a good few years now. I’ve learnt a bit along the way, and I will share with you what has worked for me, and some knowledge that has also helped my clients when the going gets tough.  If you have found yourself simultaneously organising school accounts/uniforms/camp permission slips while also arranging medical appointments, paying bills online, teaching about scammers and finding a mobile podiatrist for your elderly parent, you’ve arrived: this one is for you.

Acceptance

This is not about lying down and accepting your fate. This is about understanding what you have no control over, and what you do. Once you have identified these factors, you will regain some sense of control over your situation. While you can control your decisions, reactions, how you care for yourself, and what you prioritise, understand that you cannot control other people’s reactions, decisions, government departments and what resources you have at your disposal. Resisting and struggling against what you cannot control is a waste of your energy and your capacity.

Values

How do you want to look back on this time and be proud of how you handled things? Rather than expending energy on things out of your control, think about what is important to you, and use that as your guiding star. Do you want to be able to say that you handled things with kindness, compassion and patience? Or that you confronted conflict and disagreements early and respectfully? Maybe you want to say that you did your absolute best at every turn.

Boundaries

Boundaries are not about controlling other people – they are about deciding what you will and will not tolerate and speaking up or removing yourself from a situation that goes against your boundaries. With the younger generation it might be financial or behavioural boundaries, but this might look a lot different for the older generation – you may limit how many times per week you are willing to run errands for them or fix their computer. It is likely at this age that you also still have a career, whether that is on farm or elsewhere, and you don’t have endless time.

Self-compassion

Finally, acknowledge that this is a hard stage of life. Fortunately, it is a stage that will not last forever, even though it may feel like it at the time. You are not alone in this – many of us struggle along with this together. Can you take a moment to acknowledge that this is hard, and you are doing your best. It feels like you’re getting pulled in every direction, just trying to keep everyone else happy. What about you? What can you do – besides the suggestions here – to honour yourself? Think back to some of the things you used to enjoy, and literally schedule some of these things into your week. You are worth the investment.

Kathryn Wright

Registered counsellor MNZAC www.kathrynwright.co.nz