What You Can and Cannot Control

Maybe things haven’t gone the way you hoped lately. Maybe the season turned on you, the bills stacked up, or someone said something that affected you more than it should have. Rural life has a way of throwing curveballs with extra force — fuel prices, weather, markets, regulations, breakdowns, and the sheer unpredictability of working with land, animals, and machinery.

There are absolutely things outside your control:

what others say and do, luck, timing, the weather, traffic, the government, global markets, fuel prices. These things exist whether you like them or not, and they can create difficult or painful situations.

But there is also so much you can control.

You are the only one who can control how you treat yourself, how you treat others, and how you respond to the things you cannot control. You choose your reactions, your behaviours, your boundaries, and your next steps. You choose whether you meet a hard moment with kindness or with self‑punishment. You choose whether you take a breath or lash out.

And if in doubt, fall back on your values.

What matters most to you?

What actions align with those values?

The answer to “What should I do?” is almost always found there.

You have, on average, 29,000 days on this earth. You’ve already lived a good chunk of them. You don’t get another life. This is it. How do you want to spend the days you have left? What do you want people to say about you at the end of your life? These questions point directly to the kind of person you want to be.

Internal vs External Locus of Control

There’s a concept called locus of control. It’s about where you believe your life is shaped — inside you or outside you.

An external locus of control means you believe your happiness depends on things outside yourself: other people, money, social media likes, status, luck, the government, the weather, the price of diesel. When these things don’t go your way, you feel powerless, because the steering wheel is in someone else’s hands.

An internal locus of control means you believe your contentment comes from within: how you treat yourself, how you treat others, how you live your values, and how you engage with everyday life. This mindset doesn’t magically fix your circumstances, but it does give you back your agency.

Start noticing which one you lean toward. If you tend to rely on external factors, try adding one or two small activities each week that give you a sense of internal control:

• Exercising

• Trying a new recipe

• Meeting up with a mate

• Learning a new skill

• Cleaning or organising your space

These small actions reinforce the idea that you can influence your own wellbeing.

Focusing on What You Can Control

Fuel prices are a good example. You can’t control global markets, shipping costs, or government decisions. You can’t control how far you live from town or the fact that rural life requires driving. But you can control how you frame it.

Instead of “This is unfair and I’m stuck,” try:

“This is outside my control — so what’s the best action I can take with the resources I have?”

That shift doesn’t make fuel cheaper, but it stops it from owning your mood, your day, or your sense of agency.

You can always control:

• How you treat others

• How you treat yourself

• How you care for your mental and physical health

• What you choose to focus your time and attention on

• What you want to improve in your life

These changes happen in tiny, achievable steps — committed actions, repeated over time.

When you’re in a difficult situation, ask yourself:

• Have I tried everything there is to try?

• Do my actions align with my values?

• Where can I learn more about this situation?

• What’s the best I can do right now with the resources I have?

• How would I want to look back on this moment in 10, 20, or 50 years?

• Am I willing to accept that the outcome might not be perfect — and that acting in alignment with my values matters more?

And above all, watch how you’re talking to yourself. No one ever got ahead by running themselves down. You don’t need to have it all together, and you are probably doing the best you can. Sometimes just stepping away and returning tomorrow gives you a fresh perspective.

Kathryn Wright

Registered Counsellor MNZAC

www.kathrynwright.co.nz